Please Visit Our Sponsors

Being John Malkovich

All of Being John Malkovich sounds are sampled at 11kHz 8-bit mono .wav, and 128bit/44khz/Stereo .Mp3.   

adoor .wav (205K)  .mp3 (298k)

Craig: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine!  It's a portal, and it takes you inside John Malkovich.  You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Maxine: Sounds great!  Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

beingyou .wav (259K)  .mp3 (376k)

Craig: Mr. Malkovich!  I think I can explain!
John M.: Yeah?  Explain.
Craig: My name is Craig Schwartz....and we operate a little business here, that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience of.....of being you, actually.
John M.: Simulates??
Craig: Yeah, after a fashion.
John M.: What exactly does that mean?
Craig: Well, it's hard to describe..

bestill .wav (175K)  .mp3 (255)

Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lottie, can you understand a word I'm saying?!
Lottie: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!

callsme .wav (202K)  .mp3 (293k)

John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lottie. 
Charlie Sheen: Ouch!  That is hot!  Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal!  Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John M.: What are you talking about, done with her?  Tonight really freaked me out!

carrot .wav (170K)  .mp3 (247k)

Craig: I mean, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105.  Carrot juice. Lots of it.  I swear, sometimes it's not worth it.  I piss orange.  And I have to piss sitting down, like a goddamn girlie-girl....every 15 minutes. 

ceilings .wav (109K)  .mp3 (159k)

Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig: Well, just one.  Why are these ceilings so low? 
Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy!  We pass the savings onto you!  Hahaha!

chest .wav (158K)  .mp3 (230k)

Floris: Mr. Juarez?
Craig: ...Oh!  Yes?
Floris: Chest??
Craig: I said Yes!
Floris: You suggest what?  I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants.  Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now. 

darkside .wav (82K)  .mp3 (119k)

John M.: I have been to the dark side and back!  I have seen a world that no man should see!
Craig:  Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

guinness .wav (102K)  .mp3 (148k)

Dr. Lester: Floris!  Get Guinness on the phone!
Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine. 
Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris.  I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

inside .wav (211K)  .mp3 (306k)

Lottie: Being inside did something to me.  I knew who I was!  It was like everything made sense.  You know?  I-I knew who I was!
Floris: Of course, you were inside Malkovich. 
Lottie: I was, wasn't I?  I was John Malkovich.

itsmine .wav (61K)  .mp3 (88k)

John M.: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever, for the love of God!

leswitch .wav (111K)  .mp3 (161k)

John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man!  She could be like a fucking witch or something!
Charlie Sheen: That's even better!!  Hot lesbian witches!  Think about it!  It's fucking genius!

letmdoit .wav (132K)  .mp3 (191k)

John M.: I want to do it then.
Craig: I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience...
John M.: I WANT TO DO IT!!
Craig: Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube, and he's got about...
Maxine: Let him do it, Craig.
Craig: Of course!  Right this way, Mr. Malkovich!  Compliments of the house.

madehimtalk .wav (170K)  .mp3 (247k)

Craig: I made him move his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit!  Oh!  And, I made him talk sort of!  It's just a matter of practice, until Malkovich is nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my work table.

myhead .wav (158K)  .mp3 (229k)

Craig: Mr. Malkovich, sir...With all due respect, I discovered that portal.  I mean, it's my livelihood!  You understand?
John M.: IT'S MY HEAD!  SCHWARTZ!  IT'S MY HEAD!!  I will see you in court!!

myname .wav (240K)  .mp3 (348k)

Craig: Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
Dr. Lester: SECURITY!!
Craig: No, sir, it's....just a little mix up with your secretary.  My name is Craig Schwartz.  I tried to explain that to her.
Dr. Lester:
She's not my secretary.  She's what they call an Executive Liaison. And I'm not banging her, if that's what you're implying!
Craig: No sir, not at all.  I think I must have simply misspoke.

mytits .wav (268K)  .mp3 (390k)

Craig: I like you.  I don't know what it is about you, but I....just...
Maxine: My tits?
Craig: NO!, no...
Craig: No, it's your energy.  Your attitude.  The way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig: No, no...I am really attracted to you.
I AM really attracted to you...Christ, you are a fag.  Okay, well, we can share recipes if you'd like, darling.  
Craig: No, no, no wait...I love your tits!  I love them!  I want to fuck them!  
Maxine: Good!  Great!  Now we're getting somewhere!  Not a chance!  (Everyone around them laughs)

mytower .wav (62K)  .mp3 (90k)

Dr. Lester: You see, I've been, ah, very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

nosuch .wav (120K)  .mp3 (175k)

Lottie: There's no such thing as a hole or a portal into somebody's brain!
Craig:  Yes there is!  Could be a brain...or a soul, or whatever!  I was inside John Malkovich looking out!

nuts .wav (37K)  .mp3 (56k)

Charlie Sheen: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lottie.  I'm telling you that as a friend.

ownportal .wav (42K)  .mp3 (64k)

Craig: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
Maxine:  We'll see!

reallygood .wav (47K)  .mp3 (69k)

Craig (As John M.): It's really good!  I look really...amazing!  I'd fuck me!  

retard .wav (110K)  .mp3 (164k)

Restaurant patron: Excuse me, are you John Malkovich?
John M.: Yes, I am.
Restaurant patron:'re really great in that movie...where you play that retard.
John M.: Oh, thank you very much.  Thank you.

someone .wav (67K)  .mp3 (98k)

John M.: Charlie, someone was talking through my mouth!
Charlie Sheen: You were stoned!  Case closed, end of story!

thetruth .wav (44K)  .mp3 (64k)

John M.: I gotta know the truth, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy!

tickets .wav (151K)  .mp3 (220k)

Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
Craig: Maxine!  Yes, of course, Maxine.  He's a celebrity.
Good. We'll sell tickets!
Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?  
Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!

tvspot .wav (141K)  .mp3 (204k)

TV Commentator: The enigmatic John Malkovich.  One of the world's greatest entertainers, and the man who reinvented how we view puppeteering.   Tonight, we look at the man above the strings, and the woman behind the man.

kindlie .wav (130K)  .mp3 (189k)

Dr. Lester: You see, she's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.  I apologize if you can't understand a word I'm saying.
Craig: No, I understand perfectly. 
Dr. Lester: Well, that's very kind of you to lie.


email comments