Craig: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine! It's a
portal, and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world
through John Malkovich's eyes, and then after about 15 minutes, you're
spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig: Mr. Malkovich! I think I can explain!
John M.: Yeah? Explain.
Craig: My name is Craig Schwartz....and we operate a little
business here, that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience
of.....of being you, actually.
John M.: Simulates??
Craig: Yeah, after a fashion.
John M.: What exactly does that mean?
Craig: Well, it's hard to describe..
Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lottie, can you understand a word I'm
Lottie: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining
the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form,
which I personally couldn't agree more with.
Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!
John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to
call me Lottie.
Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using
you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal!
Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John M.: What are you talking about, done with her?
Tonight really freaked me out!
Craig: I mean, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice. Lots of it. I swear,
sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss
sitting down, like a goddamn girlie-girl....every 15 minutes.
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so
Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings
onto you! Hahaha!
Floris: Mr. Juarez?
Craig: ...Oh! Yes?
Craig: I said Yes!
Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry, I have no time for
piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr.
Lester will see you now.
John M.: I have been to the dark side and back!
I have seen a world that no man should see!
Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant
Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!
Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how
she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.
Lottie: Being inside did something to me. I knew who I
was! It was like everything made sense. You know? I-I
knew who I was!
Floris: Of course, you were inside Malkovich.
Lottie: I was, wasn't I? I was John Malkovich.
John M.: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever,
for the love of God!
John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl,
man! She could be like a fucking witch or something!
Charlie Sheen: That's even better!! Hot lesbian
witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!
John M.: I want to do it then.
Craig: I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual
John M.: I WANT TO DO IT!!
Craig: Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube, and he's
Maxine: Let him do it, Craig.
Craig: Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich!
Compliments of the house.
Craig: I made him move his arm across your girlfriend's
glorious tit! Oh! And, I made him talk sort of! It's
just a matter of practice, until Malkovich is nothing more than another
puppet hanging next to my work table.
Craig: Mr. Malkovich, sir...With all due respect, I
discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood! You
John M.: IT'S MY HEAD! SCHWARTZ! IT'S MY
HEAD!! I will see you in court!!
Craig: Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
Dr. Lester: SECURITY!!
Craig: No, sir, it's....just a little mix up with your
secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that
Dr. Lester: She's not my secretary. She's what they call an
Executive Liaison. And I'm not banging her, if that's what you're
Craig: No sir, not at all. I think I must have simply
Craig: I like you. I don't know what it is about you,
Maxine: My tits?
Craig: NO! Ho-ho....no, no...
Craig: No, it's your energy. Your attitude. The way
you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig: No, no...I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: I AM really attracted to you...Christ, you are a fag.
Okay, well, we can share recipes if you'd like, darling.
Craig: No, no, no wait...I love your tits! I love
them! I want to fuck them!
Maxine: Good! Great! Now we're getting
somewhere! Not a chance! (Everyone around them laughs)
Dr. Lester: You see, I've been, ah, very lonely in my
isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Lottie: There's no such thing as a hole or a portal
into somebody's brain!
Craig: Yes there is! Could be a brain...or a
soul, or whatever! I was inside John Malkovich looking out!
Charlie Sheen: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls
you Lottie. I'm telling you that as a friend.
Craig: What happens when a man goes through his own
Maxine: We'll see!
Craig (As John M.): It's really good! I look
really...amazing! I'd fuck me!
Restaurant patron: Excuse me, are you John Malkovich?
John M.: Yes, I am.
Restaurant patron: Wow...you're really great in that
movie...where you play that retard.
John M.: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
John M.: Charlie, someone was talking through my mouth!
Charlie Sheen: You were stoned! Case closed, end of story!
John M.: I gotta know the truth, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy!
Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow
Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a
Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!
TV Commentator: The enigmatic John Malkovich. One of
the world's greatest entertainers, and the man who reinvented how we view
puppeteering. Tonight, we look at the man above the strings,
and the woman behind the man.
Dr. Lester: You see, she's got her doctorate in speech
impedimentology from Case Western. I apologize if you can't
understand a word I'm saying.
Craig: No, I understand perfectly.
Dr. Lester: Well, that's very kind of you to lie.
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