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All of the Grumpy Old Men sounds
are sampled at 11kHz.

 

2fish.wav((226k)
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Max: THE GREEN HORNET STRIKES AGAIN!!   Hahaha!  Caught my limit!  I see you only snagged one, huh?
John: TWO fish are on there you moron, and you know damn well that I throw back what I'm not gonna eat!
Max: Oh yeah, like that 40 pound muskie you're always yaking about...It's a shame no one ever sees you with these monsters!


ballot.wav (74k)
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John:  Is he really going to run for mayor?
Max: Make a damn fine mayor, too.
John:  Good thing he's his mother's son.  If he looked like you, he'd never get on the ballot!


clockme.wav (29k)
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John: Fine, you wanna clock me?   You think you can take me?  C'mon!


bonehead.wav (58k)
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Max:  Why would a woman come over at 1:30 in the morning to see you?
John: Just why do you think, bonehead?


laidpipe.wav (83k)
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Max:  Women and fish...you could never catch either one of them, Gustafson.
John: I have laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha plumbing!


cardiac.wav (126k)
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John:  You hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max: Hypothermia's a bitch!  Not quick like a stroke!
John:  A stroke is no different, you could still end up like a vegetable.  Give me a cardiac anyday!


buttcold.wav (29k)
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Grandpa: I'll tell you what's on my mind....It's butt cold out here, and I'm fresh out of beer!


chuck1.wav (69k)
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Grandpa: Looks like he's gonna enter the holy of holies! Coitus Uninterruptus!


chuck2.wav (51k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's slippin' her the old salami!


chuck3.wav (46k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's gonna put the hot dog in the bun!


chuck4.wav (60k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl!  Yowwwww!


chuck5.wav (41k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's taking the ol' log to the beaver!


chuck6.wav (29k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner!


chuck7.wav (51k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's takin' his skinboat to tuna town!


chuck8.wav (69k)
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Grandpa: Looks like Chuck's takin' a ride on the wild boloney pony!


colder.wav (29k)
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Grandpa: Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?


dumswede.wav (29k)
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Max: Hey watch your mouth, you dumb friggin' swede!


eatshort.wav (20k)
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Max: Eat my shorts!


filtered.wav (82k)
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John:  You're supposed to be smokin' filtered cigarettes, Pop!
Grandpa: Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old!  What the hell do I care, huh?


gayrstrt.wav (150k)
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Ariel:  Gay or straight?
John: Huh?
Ariel:  Heterosexual or Homosexual?
John: Geez Louise!
Ariel:  Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question!
John: Well maybe in California, but here in Minnesota...Who-ho-ho-ho!


getnhere.wav (31k)
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Grandpa: Hey you two!  Get your asses in here!


grinch.wav (16k)
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Chuck: And how is the grinch today?


lovely.wav (58k)
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Ariel:  Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of fresh tea tree, just soaking into your pores...don't you agree?
Max: Lovely!


morefish.wav (16k)
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Max: The green hornet's caught more fish than you've lied about, Gustafson!


mount.wav (76k)
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Grandpa: You mount the woman, son....or else, send her out to me, huh?


shootkid.wav (41k)
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Grandpa: Kids...Can't live with 'em...Can't shoot 'em!


shutup.wav (19k)
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Max: Shutup, fat ass!!


morning.wav (21k)
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Max:  Mornin' dickhead!
John: Hello, Moron!


mounther.wav (227k)
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John:  Hey, did you hear?   Someone moved into the Klickner place. A woman.
Grandpa: A woman?
John:  Yeah.
Grandpa: Did you mount her?
John:  Ahh..Dad!!
Grandpa: Well, the woman, does she have big thighs?
John:  No.
Grandpa: No?!  Then what's the problem?  If I was a young feller like you, I'd be mountin' every woman in Wabasha!


mansloco.wav (450k)
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Max:  You mean the lowlife, asswipe, eggsucker, John Gustafson?
Mr. Schneider: Have you seen him?
Max:  Man's crazy!  Loco!  Always hangin' around round those kinky strip bars...you know, the ones where the men take their clothes off?   That's of course, if he's taking his medication.
Mr. Schneider: Medication?
Max:  Yes, without it, he could be anywhere...wanderin' around, talking to the trees.  Believe me, this man is a menace!  Always drinking, starting fights, isn't that right?
Mr. Schneider: But, have you seen him?
John:  No.
Max: I think perhaps....um...no.....no.


offerher.wav (82k)
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Melanie:  C'mon Dad, you're a handsome eligible guy, you've got a nice house, a good pension, you've got a lot to offer her!
Grandpa: Well, I've got somethin' to offer her!   Rowrrr-rowrrr!


oldpal.wav((116k)
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Max: Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?
John: Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?
Max: Yes, the spirit was willing...
John: Yeah, but the flesh was, uh....
Max: Weak!  Weak!


polka.wav (170k)
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(This is clipped so you can set it to loop mode when you play the song...Have fun!)


razors.wav((219k)
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Max: Pain, he wants to talk about pain?  I had a gallstone the size of a baseball!
John: Oh, gallstones!  Yeah, gallstones are for pussies!  When I had the shingles, did you see me in here complaining to Phil about it? Huh? Did you?
Max: Shingles, schmingles...When I had my ulcers, I was....farting razor blades!


safesex.wav (215k)
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John: See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex.
Ariel:  John, when was the last time you made love?
John: October 4th....1978.
Ariel:  Oh, I think we're safe.....


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