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Arthur: What does it say?
Brother Maynard : It says: "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
Aramethia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of
Brother Maynard : The Castle of AAahaahhaaaaaa.
Sir Bedemere: What, he's dead?
Brother Maynard: He must've died while carving it.
Arthur: Oh, come on!
Brother Maynard: Well that's what it says.
Arthur: Look, if he was dying he wouldn't bother to carve
"Aahhaahaaaaaa." He'd just say it.
Brother Maynard: Well that's what's carved in the rock.
Sir Lancelot: Perhaps he was dictating.
Arthur: Oh, shut up.
(Tune sung by a minstrel accompanying Sir Robin)
Bravely bold Sir Robin
went forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared
to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
or his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
and his body burned away.
And his limbs all hacked and mangled brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
and his liver removed and bowels uncleffed
and his nostrils raped and his penis...
Sir Robin: That's ah... that's enough music for now, lads.
Sir Lancelot: Look, My Leige!
Sir Gallahad: Camelot..
Patsy: It's only a model.
French Knight: Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of
Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: I am your King.
Peasant woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held
aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by devine providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king.
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for
a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses,
not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to weild supreme executive power just because some
watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: If I went 'round sayin' I was an emporer just because some moistened
bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!.
Man #1: Who's that then?
Man #2: I dunno. Must be a king.
Man #1: Why?
Man #2: He hasn't got shit all over him.
(sound of arrow hitting Concorde in the chest)
Concorde: Message for you, sir.
Knights Who Say "Nee": Nee... nee... nee... nee.
Arthur: Who are you?
Head Knight: We are the Knights Who Say "Nee."
Arthur: No... not The Knights Who Say "Nee!"
Head Knight: The same.
Bedemere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: She turned me into a newt!
Bedemere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Dead collector: Bring out your dead!
Man: Here's one.
Old Man: I'm not dead!
Man: Nothing. Here's your ninepence
Old Man: I'm not dead!
Collector: Here. He says he's not dead.
Man: Yes he is.
Old Man: No I'm not!
Collector: He isn't?
Man: Well he will be soon. He's very ill.
Old Man: I'm getting better!
Man: No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Collector: Look, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
Old Man: I don't want to go on the cart!
Man: Oh don't be such a baby.
Collector: I can't take him.
Old Man: I feel fine!
Man: Oh, do us a favor?
Collector: I can't.
Man: Well can you make it around in a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Collector: No... I've got to go to the Robinsons. They've lost nine today.
Man: Well when's your next round?
Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk.
Man: You're not foolin' anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can
Old Man: I feel happy! I feel Happy!
(Sound of Old Man being hit in the head with a large club)
Man: Oh, thanks very much.
Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Lord: Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and
Guard: Not to leave the room. Even if you come and get him.
Lord: No, no. Until I come and get him.
Guard: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Lord: No, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: And you'll come and get him.
Guard: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him from entering the
Lord: No, no. Leaving the room.
Guard: Leaving the room. Yes.
Guard: Fine. Oh.. if if if if if ahhh if we... if if if ...
Lord: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't
leave the room. Alright?
Guard: Oh, I remember. Ahh can he leave the room with us?
Lord: No... you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we
were with him...
Lord: No, just keep him in here...
Guard: ...Until you or anyone else...
Lord: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard: Just you..
Lord: ...get back.
Guard: Get back.
Guard: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
Lord: And make sure he doesn't leave.
Lord: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: The Prince?
Lord: Yes. Make sure he doen't leave!
Guard: Ohh, yes. Of course! I thought you meant him. You know it seemed a bit
daff to guard him when he's a guard.
Lord: Is that clear?
Guard: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
Lord: Right. (He starts to leave, the guards follow) Where are you going?
Guard: We're coming with you.
Lord: No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh I see. Right.