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Office Space
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2chicks.wav (79k) .mp3 (120k)
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Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do man...two chicks at the same time, man.
JoAnna: If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair like your pretty boy over there Brian, why don't you make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Peter: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
Lawyer: Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. No, minimum security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is, kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be alright.
Peter: When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: Shit, no man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that, man.
Bob Slidell: We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
Bob Slidell: Are you any relation to the pop singer?
Michael: Naw, it's just a coincidence.
Bob Slidell: Because I'll be honest with you! I love his music! I do! I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings 'When a Man Loves a Woman."
Michael: You're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up, if they had a million dollars.
Drew: Give her a ride on the ol' bone roller coaster! AAAAAAAAAAH! Hah!
Peter: Shit, we should be so lucky. Do you know that they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter: Yes.
Michael: Shit, I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
Tom: You have to interview with this consultant. They call them efficiency experts...but what you're REALLY doing is interviewing for your own job!
Lawrence: Hey Peter!
Peter: Yeah?
Lawrence: Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
Peter: Okay, Lawrence.
Steve: Good evening, sir. My name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack, but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.
Peter: Ok.
Steve: That is why I'm selling magazine subscriptions.
Peter: No.
Steve: And I was hoping that you could help me out....
Michael: You used to be addicted to crack?
Steve: Uh, yeah, um...
Samir cusses up a storm while sitting in traffic
Bob Slidell: What..what would you say.....you do here?
Tom: Look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!
(This one was a favorite line of a former boss of mine, only he didn't know he was that annoying)
Lumburgh: If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that would be great.
Peter: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks....gettin' excercise...working outside?
Lawrence: Fuckin' A.
Peter: Fuckin' A.....
Michael: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael: There WAS nothing wrong with it. Until I was 12 years old, and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?.
Michael: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks!
Peter: I think that the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she's anorexic.
Peter: Yeah, I know. They guy's really good.
JoAnna: I HATE THIS JOB! I HATE THIS GODDAMN JOB AND I DON'T NEED IT!!!
(For those of you about to enter the workforce, this is called "Fringe Benefits" This line would be even funnier if it weren't so damn accurate to real life.)
Lumburgh: Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Lawrence: HEY PETER MAN! CHECK OUT CHANNEL NINE! CHECK OUT THIS CHICK!
Peter: Dammit, Lawrence! Can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the walls?
Peter: (Phone rings) Peter Gibbons. Yes.........I have the memo.
(Another line that is WAAAAY too close to the truth to be extremely funny)
Peter: What if we're still doing this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Milton: Excuse me? (Door closes) Well, okay, but....That's the last straw...
Milton: Well...I...I told Bill that if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones while she's filing, then I should be able to listen to my radio while I'm collating....
Peter: Uh huh..
Milton: So I don't see why I should.....
Peter: OK.
Milton: have to turn down the radio...
Peter: Yeah, alright.
Milton: I enjoy listening to my radio at a reasonable volume...
Peter: Thanks.....Milton.....
Peter: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are! We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary!
Michael: You know what I can't figure out? How is it that all these stupid neanderthal mafia guys can be so good at crime, and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it.
Samir: We're new to it though.
Peter: You're a software engineer?
Steve: Yep.
Samir: Things must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions than I EVER did at Initrode.
Bob #2: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately, Peter.
Peter: Well, I wouldn't say I've been "missing" it Bob.
(All 3 laugh)
Lumburgh: Mmmkay?
(Do you ever wonder what these kind of office workers do on their free time? Weirdos...)
Office Worker: Uh-oh! Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!
Nina: Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking! Just a moment! (Repeats 3x)
Milton: Excuse me, Senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a Mai Tai and they brought me a Pina Colada? And I said "No salt...NO SALT for the Margarita, but it had salt on it.
Waiter: Lo siento mucho, Senor.....gringo.......
Milton: Lo siento, but I won't be leaving a tip! Cuz I could, I could shut this whole resort down! Sir? I could take my travelers checks to a competing resort! I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned! I could put...I could put strychnine in the guacamole! There was salt on the glass...BIG grains of salt!
Michael: Thing's lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: (Pulls paper out of the printer) Piece of shit!
Peter: We don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles, staring at computer screens all day...filling out useless forms...and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
Michael: I told those fudge packers that I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter: Oh that is not right, Michael.
(I swear there's a guy like this in every office in America...usually more than one too.)
Drew: I'm thinking I might take that new chick from logistics. Things go well, I might be showin' her my O-face. Oh! Oh! Oh! You know what I'm talkin' about...Oh! (chuckles)
Samir: WHY DOES IT SAY PAPER JAM WHEN THERE IS NO PAPER JAM? I SWEAR TO GOD, ONE OF THESE DAYS I-I-I JUST KICK THIS PIECE OF SHIT OUT THE WINDOW!
Michael: PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?
Samir: (Pulls paper out of printer) Piece of shit!
Michael: We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to Federal "Pound me in the Ass" prison!
(Quite an excellent error sound)
Lumburgh: Ahhhh, we have sort of a problem here...
(Quite an excellent error sound as well)
Tom: Do you know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with all this shit?
(Michael rapping in his car on his way to work....very funny!)
Drew: Alright Peter! Oooh-Oooh! Hahaha....Right on!!
(Get used to hearing this college people.....It is the answer corporate management gives to you for over 70% of your questions)
Lumburgh: Did you see the memo about this?
(An excellent drop for all you radio people out there)
Peter: HE REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS SOULLESS AND WRONG!!
Milton: I believe you have my stapler? Please? Hmm?
Michael: It's pretty brilliant. What it does is every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed, you know, thousands a day? The computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, that it usually rounds off? What this does is takes those little remainders and puts them into an account.
Peter: This sounds familiar...
Michael: Yeah, they did it in Superman 3.
Peter: Right.
Michael: Underrated movie, actually.
Lawrence: Oh, I'm sorry man! Look, I-I-You know, I'm talking out of my ass.
Milton: Well, I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume.
(Excellent startup sound)
Brian the waiter: Hey! Look who's back!
Lumburgh: Yeahhh.....
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