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Pigvomit (Kenny): You know what you are, Stern? You know what you are? You're the anti-christ!
Duke of Rock: I gotta go! See you midnight tonight! This is the duke of rock saying, if you can't be good, be bad baby! Byyye!
(This one is a great drop for any radio stations out there)
Let me know if you use it on the air!Howard's Dad: By the powers vested in me, by the Federal Communications Commission, I COMMAND you, to get on the microphone, in a serious manner! And continue this broadcast!!
Station Owner: Howard! DJ's are dogs! Your job is to make them fetch! Huh!
Female Bodybuilder: Howard comes to Hartford to become the wacky morning man on WCCC.
Gary: Let's see some muscles!
Female Bodybuilder: Was my voice too deep doing that?
Gary: No, it's very feminine!
Howard (w/ gay voice): My soulmate, my lovemate, he's anything and everything to me, Mr. Blackswell.
Fred (as Mr. Blackswell): Wilkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome! Oh Robin, it's so lovely to see you here today!
Howard: Mmm! Gimme a kiss!
Robin: You two are just adorable together! And it's a wonderful thing to have you here, but I understand there's already been a problem?
Howard: Yes, you know about this? I was in the program director's office...his name is Pig-Vomit. Yes, 'cause he looks like a pig and makes you want to vomit. Pig-Vomit! Anyways, Pig-Vomit says to me, this is not WNBC. It's WNNNNBC! WNNNNNBC! And I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem. So to rect-ify this, I brought a cup of Blackswell's semen...
Robin: Semen?
Fred: I sqwoozed it myself...I hope it's not too tangy.
Robin: And what are you going to do with it?
Howard: I'm going to gargle with it and say the call letters over and over until I get it right.
Robin: And you think that will work?
Howard: I don't care, because I love the taste of a man! HOO-GAA!
Fred: HOO-GAA!
Howard: HOO-GAA!
Fred: HOO-GAA!
Howard: HOO-GAA!
Fred: HOO-GAA!
Howard: Alright, if I could have some music now! Mr. Engineer, please, some music, would you please? Would you give us a record, por favor? Okay, thank you! Now watch and learn! La-la-la-la-la! (Gargles)
Fred: There she blows!
Howard: (Gargling some more)
Fred: Can you believe it?
Robin: You just swallowed!
Howard: I swallowed! Oh my God!
Fred: Waste not, want not, Robin!
Howard: I wanna say, I love WNNNBC! See? It worked! I can say it! WNNNBC!
Howard's Mom: I'm half negro! And Howard's half negro! And anything bad you say about negros, you're saying about us, understand?
Howard: So occasionally, I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts. And yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood! Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all! I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Allison! Allison! She's the best friend I could ever have! And who knows, with a little time, the right energy, I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action!
Howard: Oh my God! She's taking her clothes off!
Fred: Maybe she forgot to close the door?
Howard: She's a Hollywood actress. They have a lot on their mind.
Howard: I'll tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker. This I know. And at this point, I knew I was gonna score. I mean it was fate (???) This was it! I'm a stud! She was liquified!
Howard: Howdy, cowpokes! I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I gotta tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it! Explain it to me! And maybe it's because I went to college, and never drove a truck, and had sex with my daddy's sister...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't think I'm the man for this job, so this is your old pal, Hopalong Howie saying I quit!
Howard (Imitating Ricky Ricardo): Fred, I've been coughing all day! I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung! (Vomiting sounds)
Robin (Imitating Lucy): Waaaaaaaaaaa!
Howard & Fred: Oh no! It's LUUUUUCY!
Howard: I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, whom I love so much, more than anything in the whole world. I am begging you to please send a hitman to the United States of America and KILL PIG-VOMIT! FINALLY! Thank you! I love you God! I'll do whatever you say, if you just make that come true.
Howard: And we have a new feature for you. This is something special. We now a traffic copter now, here at WWWW! Let's go up to Mama-looka-boo-boo-day in the traffic copter. Mama, are you there? Hello? Mama? Hello?
Howard (as Mama): Yes, hello, This is Mama Looka Boo Boo Day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area I'm proud to say!
Howard: Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama! Tell me, what's going on with the traffic?
Howard (as Mama): First a political statement, if I may! (Bongo drums going) KILL, KILL, KILL....THE WHITE MAN!
Because of the size of this sound, we also have it zipped.Fred: It's time for...THE MATCH GAME! (Applause)
Howard: And thank you, Mr. Announcer! Hi everybody, my name is Gene Sternbern, and welcome to Match Game! We have a lot of excitement here in the air today, because we have some great panelists...let me introduce you to everybody. First of all, I want to introduce all of you to a very, very charming and beautiful lady, the very beautiful, Miss Brett Summers. How are you baby?
Robin (As Brett): Hi Gene!
Howard: Ah, hygiene! I think that's something you don't have!
Robin: Hey! Back off!
Howard: Okay, let's go over to someone I really admire, the ex-President of the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon!
Fred (As Pres. Nixon): Hello everybody! Hello!
Howard: I'm very very honored right now, to introduce to all of you, a very special man. He's come all the way to our show for the first time, Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling!
Jackie: Well, thank you Gene! That's very nice of you! Thank you!
Howard: Let's play a game now, shall we? And what we're going to do is ask you to fill in the blank. Okay? Now I want you to listen carefully...our first clue is ____ willow. ____ willow. (Music starts) Let's go over to Ms. Brett Summers right now. Now Brett, what do you have for us? ____ willow.
Robin: The only thing on my mind, Gene, was Pussy!?
Howard: Uh-oooooh! Pussy!! Hey! Alright! Pussy Willow! That's what I would have said. Okay, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former President of the United States. What did you have? ____ willow!
Fred: In any language.....PUSSY!!
Howard: Alright!! Let's go over to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling....... ____ willow.
Jackie: Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy!
Howard: SLOPPY PUSSY!! You've got a sloppy and a bunchy pussy and very big one....
Fred: Are you talking about Brett again?
Howard: Alright, now let's keep going. Now it's going to get a little rougher. Everybody ready? ____-a-doodle-doo. ____-a-doodle-doo. ____-a-doodle-doo. You think about that while our celebrities are writing. Let's go over to Dick Nixon, our own ex-President. What you got there, Dick?
Fred: Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote....COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!
Howard: Now that's what I would have said. That would be like the obvious answer. Okay, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie the Jokeman?
Jackie: Gene, I have cock! I wrote it big, so I have a BIG COCK!
Howard: Uh, I don't think you can't say cock on the radio, I think that's a big no-no.
Robin: What? But I just said pussy!
Jackie: Yeah, she just said pussy!
Howard: Yes, pussy is okay, but it's the way he says it. Big cock coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
Jackie: So I can't say "Big cock", but you can say "Big cock coming out of my mouth"?
Howard: That's correct!
Jackie: That sucks!
Fred: Did you just say "Big cock coming out of your mouth sucks?"
Howard: Alright, alright, enough of this nonsense! We've got to move on to Ms. Brett Summers.
Robin: Just like the boys, Gene! I've got cock!
Howard: There it is! Cock! Do-do me a favor! Hold that up so I can see your cock! Okay, okay, alright! There it is! COCK, COCK, COCK! But I must tell you, we have to end this fun right now! I want to thank all of you right now! Give yourselves a big hand! Hahahahahahahaha! Okay, let's have a little music, Phil!
Howard: You know, when I look back on this moment in my life, I really wanted it to work. I wanted this to be the biggest moment in the history of entertainment. I'm not kidding! I wanted everyone to wake up the next morning, talking about me...Howard Stern! That's the kind of thinking that usually gets me into trouble though.
Great error soundHoward's Dad: You're a moron! Now shutup and sit still!
Howard does the puppet show...very funny!
Howard: But why can't I play with my puppets?
Howard's Dad: Shuddup! You know why!!
Howard's Mom: And as far as my taking his rectal temperature every day 'til he was fourteen? He shouldn't make such a big deal! He still grew up to be a very well adjusted individual!
Howard's Dad: Absolutely!
Howard: Roosevelt High School. Beautiful. A fully integrated educational institution. Which, of course, meant 6,000 black guys and me. And then I hit puberty. That made things worse because my penis never got any bigger. I mean, I was hung like a three year old. Hey seriously, these guys had rhinocerous penises. Huge! You know, I've heard black men complain that they're unfairly stereotyped....MAN, I'd LOVE to have a stereotype like that!
Howard: Irene, the weather girl. Irene, are you there?
Irene: It's cold! Real cold! But your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good hard butt whippin'! Tongue! What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it? You little maggot!
Howard: Irene, thank you for the weather forecast!
Irene: Shutup!
Howard: We hope to hear from you tommorow...give us some more weather!
Irene: Bite me, you loser!
