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American TV Anchor: But, Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.
Canadian Film Minister: Now, now, the Canadian Government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!
Kyle's Mom: Al, tonight is a very special night! Do you know why?
Big Gay Al: Oooh! They're having a sale at Merv's?!
billgates .wav (219k) .mp3 (161k)
Army General: YOU TOLD US THAT WINDOWS 98 WOULD BE FASTER, AND MORE EFFICIENT WITH BETTER ACCESS TO THE INTERNET!
Bill Gates: It IS faster! Over five million.....(General Shoots him)
Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh, let's see.....uh.....Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy!
Kyle: Like you need all that chocolate, fat boy!
Philip: Say, Terrence! What did the Spanish priest say to the Uranian Gynecologist?
Terrence: I don't know, Philip! What? (Philip farts and they both laugh)
Stan: Where do they come up with this stuff?!
U.S. Ambassador: Uh, could you tell us again, what your argument is all *a-bout*?
Canadian Ambassador: This is not a-boot diplomacy! This is a-boot dignity! This is a-boot respect! This is a-boot realizing......(Everyone in the room is laughing at them)
Canadian Ambassador: You guys are dicks! Release Terrence and Philip, or we WILL give you something to cry a-boot!! (Crowd laughs even MORE)
Army General: .....the all important, first attack wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield"
Chef: Hey, wait a minute!
Army General: Now keep in mind, Operation Human Shield will suffer heavy losses! Battalion 14? (Everyone raises hand) RIght, you are "Operation Get behind the darkies!" You will follow Batallion 5 here and try not to get killed, for God's sake!
Terrence: Oh Philip! This is worse than the night I fell asleep, and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture!
Philip: I know, Terrence. I know.
The Mole: We must dig from here, so as not to be seen! Come on bitches!!
Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy! You just gotta find the clitoris!
Stan: Huh?
Chef: Whoops!!
Stan: What does that mean? Find the clitoris?
Chef: Uh....uh...forget I said anything!!
(This is THE Windows Error Sound OF ALL TIME! To all Mac users out there, this one's for you! Viva La Resistance!)Army General: FUCKING WINDOWS 98!!!
Stan: What....are you?
The Clitoris: I am the clitoris!
Stan: The CLITORIS!? I DID IT! I FOUND THE CLITORIS!!
Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein: I love you!
Satan: I want to believe that.
Saddam Hussein: So what do you say we shut off that light and get close, huh?
Cartman: Shut off the power, Cartman! This is very important, Cartman!
Chef: Hello there, children!
The kids: Hey Chef!
Chef: You ever hear of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Army General: Oh, I don't listen to hip hop!!
Big Gay Al sings part of "I'm Super!"
Canadian Film Minister: The United States has graphic violence on television all the time! We can't believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much!
Stan's Mom: BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!
Canadian Film Minister: CAN I FINISH?! PLEASE, CAN I FINISH?........Ok, I'm finished.
TV Announcer: ...Of course, the only way to SEE the USO show is to sign up for the Army! So join the Army and KILL SOME CANADIAN SCUM as we continue....THE MARCH OF WAR!!
Stan: Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up!
Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!!
Cartman: Wow! I guess you CAN light a fart on fire, huh?
Terrence: Want to see the northern lights? (Strikes a match and farts)
(Both Laugh)
Philip: Ah-hahaha! You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart! Ah-hahaha!
Satan: It has come to be! The four horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophecy is upon us!
Saddam Hussein: I love it when you get all Biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank!
Satan: No, I'm being serious!
Saddam Hussein: HEY! YOU BETTER GET PACKIN', BITCH! WE HAVE TO GO! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sorry, Wendy. But I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Mr. Garrison: Oh boy, I can' t wait for our first shore leave so I can get me some fuckin' poontang!
Gregory: Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives.....for freedom.
Philip: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!
All the kids: WOW!
Babysitter: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britney Spears records!
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would YOU like to go suck my balls?
(The whole class gasps)
Mr. Garrison: WHAT DID YOU SAY??
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, actually, what I said was....(grabs a megaphone and talks out of it) HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
Stan: Holy shit, dude....
The Mole: You realize that by doing this, we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks?
Kyle: We're willing to take that risk!
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, lets take our seats! We have a lot to learn today!
Kyle's Mom: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!
Stan: Hey Mole, you know where the clitoris is?
The Mole: Ze what?
Stan: The clitoris! I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me...!
The Mole: HEY! You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes! Because I am NOT going to be grounded again! Not for you! Not for ANYBODY!
Gregory: I see you failed in your mission. I should not have sent a boy to do a man's job.
Cartman: Hey dudes...
Kyle: What's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-chip. I hate it, I can't say any dirty words!
Kyle: Really? So you can't say fuck?
Cartman: No.
Kyle: And you can't say shit?
Cartman: Nope.
Kyle: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?"
Cartman: Fuck you! (V-chip shocks him) Aaaaaaaagh!
Kyle: Haha! Sweet!
Winona Ryder: What you're doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war man! Wow. War.....you know? Wow.
Stan: You guys!....Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What? Is that like finding Jesus or something?