Randy: I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS
Randy: Meat-losse, meat-loaf,
double beat-loaf...I HATE meatloaf.
(Narrator voice): In the heat
of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obsenity that as far as we know, is still hanging
in space over Lake Michigan.
(Narrator voice): Some men are
Baptists...others Catholics...My father was an Oldsmobile man.
(Narrator voice): Christmas was
on its way! Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas around which the entire kid year
(Narrator voice): There it is!
The Holy grail of Christmas gifts! The Red Ryder 200 shot range model air
rifle! And there he is! Red Ryder himself! In his hand was the knerl
stock of his coolly deadliest looking piece of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on!
(Narrator): I could feel the
Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe what happened next was inevitable.
Ralphie's Mom: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
(Narrator): Horrified, I hurt myself blurt it out!
Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder Carbon Action 200 shot range
model air rifle!
Ralphie's Mom: No...You'll shoot your eye out.
(Narrator): Oh no, it was the classic mother BB gun block! Heh,
heh. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase uttered many
times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom.
(Narrator voice): My kid
brother looked like a tick about to pop
TO INDEX PAGE!